Ode to Japanese Toilets: Love at First Squirt in Japan

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If I were president, I would cut police funding and pump it all into education, land (back) reform, healthcare, and infrastructure. And by infrastructure, I mean giving everyone Japanese toilets. I truly believe that would solve 93% of this country’s quality of life gaps. You know how hard it is to be unhappy when you have a whistle-clean butthole?

Ask yourself.

When was the last time your butthole truly whistled?

For me, it was the last time I visited Japan, which was far too long (10 months ago). This Black Friday season, I was planning on renovating my home bathrooms starting with the toilets. Partially because my toilets are older than I am and are huge water wasters. But also because I don’t deserve settling for a life of toilet paper abrased bum. However I didn’t end up getting new toilets because I was un poco broke, but that’s alright we’ll get em next year.

From the first moment I sat on a pre-warmed smart toilet seat inside of an Isetan (the on in Shinjuku), I knew my life had changed. So to commemorate this new chapter in my life, I would like to show my appreciation to the technology that has impacted me far more than my two Bachelor’s Degrees.

*clears throat*

Dear Japanese Toilets,

Thank you.

For existing. For thriving. For listening.

Intuitively, you open your lid as I approach, timed to my speed. Wordlessly, and without needing to be asked. You can sense my presence, an unseen force that compels you to act as I am compelled to act onto you.

You are the warmth that spreads through my body, like a mother’s love when she cradles her child. You match my temperature perfectly, as if by design, and I melt into you with the relief of a thousand safety boats, waves lapping at my feet as I am greeted by salvation.

You lull me into tranquility with your soft hum, which acts as a protective shield to both me and those around me. With you. I am safe. With you. I am.

Japanese toilets, you always take care of me. You know the exact amount of pressure, the exact angle, the exact time frame. Both water and air, you send me off with a loving kiss. I hate to go, but you never dread watching me leave. Because you know, we both know.

I will be back.

Until the next time.

Friend.

Anyways,

I really like Japanese toilets. So far, I have a few Japanese toilets on my wishlist, but I’m not sure which I should pull the trigger on. Of course, the Toto Washlet would be the cream of the crop, but since I am still un poco broke, I’m setting realistic expectations and aiming for the Horow.

But idk idk idk what do you think? Do you have recommendations for Japanese toilets?

If you’re sitting here like, girl? What the heck are you on?? Aren’t you a travel blogger?

You would be right to question my sanity. I do the same every day. Feel free to click back to any of my Japan posts that aren’t centering my desire to own and operate my own Japanese toilet. I’m sure there’s something in there that will help you plan you Japan trip.

BUT FOR EVERYONE ELSE – I can’t be alone here!!! Have yall experienced the magic of Japanese toilets before? Aside from the standard bidet water aspect, what features would be necessary for you if you were installing one in your house? All I know is that the privacy white noise button is a MUST for me.

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