That Time A Grasshopper Attacked Me
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This is the story of how I almost died in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
Okay, so set the scene. I spontaneously bought a quick trip to Cabo for a 4 day weekend a few days prior. It was my first time in California Baja Sur, and my first time in an all-inclusive resort. It’s 5pm, an hour before sunset, and I’ve got prime ocean view dinner reservations at the fanciest restaurant in town. My tan is bangin’ and the giant pimple on my chin finally disappeared. I’m living my absolute best vacay life. Life’s good.
The resort van drops me off about an hour early, but it’s all gucci. The restaurant was on a fancy schmancy golf resort with a picturesque beach. I was fine exploring for a while. I was pretty dolled up, with makeup and a high slit dress, so I was like, WELL LETS TAKE SOME PICS CUZ IM FEELIN MYSELF. In hindsight, probably shouldn’t have worn heels in the sand and my hair kept getting stuck to my lipgloss, BUT WHATEVER YOU CANT TELL IN THE PICS.
I eventually wandered a little ways off from the golf resort. The random golfers staring at me was not helpful for photo taking. On the drive over, I saw a really cool Mars-looking landscape just before the resort. Looked like a great photo op. Sounded like fun.
What could possibly go wrong?
It wasn’t too far of a walk, maybe about 10 minutes. I was right, the landscape was SUPER cool, and definitely gave an awesome desert vibe. I took some pics, then headed into this little baby-canyon looking thing. It was very dusty, and in hindsight probably shouldn’t have been playing around in the sand right before a fancy dinner. BUT WHATEVER that was a problem for future-me. Click click click, I took more pics, then got the brilliant idea to climb deeper into the canyon. Maybe there was something even cooler on the other end!
I had a floor length thin dress on, something I’d like to think Rihanna would wear if she only had $20 to spend at the mall, so I didn’t want to accidentally rip it. I gathered up the bottom with one hand, then tried to pull myself up with the other. Mind you, I have very weak arms. So, as I was struggling to hoist myself up, something on the rock above me shifted. I looked, but…there was nothing there. Had I imagined it? I mean, it was desert-y after all, and suddenly the only thing I could think about were rattlesnakes and scorpions.
Little did I know, that was the last thing I needed to worry about.
About halfway lifted up, something moved in my peripheral again. Definitely not imagined. “Hey,” I called over my shoulder. I wasn’t alone, so maybe they had seen something. “Did you just see that?”
He was busy checking his Bitcoin stock.
Against everything I had learned from horror movies, I decided to ignore it. I got one of my knees up on the ledge, when it happened again. This time, something DEFINITELY skitted OVER MY HAND. Then, before I had time to even scream, something LAUNCHED ITSELF INTO MY FACE. It felt like someone had just punched me in the eye. I collapsed backwards, landing flat on my back on the rocks. The fall knocked all the wind from my lungs and well – you can probably imagine how landing on jagged desert rocks feels. NOT GOOD. I groaned, but managed to catch a glimpse of the attacker, BRIEFLY, as it landed on my chest.
A grasshopper.
Before anyone even registered what happened, the grasshopper catapulted itself to the person behind me.
Like my knight in shining armor, he ran away.
He did shout something back to me as he fled though.
And I kid you not. THE GRASSHOPPER CHASED AFTER HIM. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a grasshopper in pursuit, but it bounces from spot to spot, gaining speed with every hop. It was an experienced tracer.
I looked up at the ledge, and there was more movement under the cover of the rock shadows. Oh no. I scrambled to my feet, and I just ran. I didn’t know where I was going, where the grasshopper was, or how I could move when it felt like that fall fractured a rib. Adrenaline is a heck of a drug.
I finally made it back to sidewalk. My fearless protector waited for me, still looking over his shoulder for the rogue assassin grasshopper. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“YOU LEFT ME TO DIE.”
“It was the size of my hand. I don’t know what else you expected me to do.” He paused, checking his phone. “Come on, dinner is in a couple minutes.” As if I hadn’t just been violently murdered by an insect in the Mexican desert.
As I followed him back to the resort, I noticed that every step was like shards of glass dragging down the back of my leg. After a couple of steps, I had to stop. Maybe I cut myself during the fall. But I couldn’t feel anything on my leg. I took another step and again – a sharp piercing cut. “Wait wait,” I called out. “Can you take a look at my leg? It feels like something is stabbing me, but there’s nothing there.” I stuck out my leg for him to inspect, but instead, his eyes locked onto the back of my dress.
He looked closer.”What is that??”
IT WAS THE GRASSHOPPER.
Nah – I’m just playin yall hahahaha. No, it wasn’t the grasshopper. But, my dress was COVERED in thorns. Giant balls of them were entangled in the mesh of my dress, and every time I walked, they brushed against the back of my leg.
I managed to get them all out, but they tore gaping holes in my dress. My hair was a mess. I was covered in dirt and dust. One of my shoes was broken. My back hurt. My eye was starting to swell. But I made it out, hobbling, but alive.
To this day, I still live in fear. Fear that the grasshopper will one day finished the job. It is still out there.
Waiting.
Watching.
